Jeff and HAL Having a Talk

This post goes forward with a nod to Mr. Bill and his Star Trek parody, which inspired this revisit to 2001: A Space Odyssey.

The scene opens in a bunker 20 feet below Minute Maid Park. Yes bunkers are usually placed 100’s of feet below the earth’s surface, but you understand it is hard enough to keep a 20 foot deep bunker dry in Houston.

Jeff Luhnow is standing outside a glassed-in computer room and watching as his attempts to scan in to the room with a magnetic card keep being rejected. Inside the room is the latest in high-tech machines, the Houston Astros Logician or HAL for short.

Jeff: Hello, HAL. Do you read me, HAL?
HAL: Affirmative, Jeff. I read you.
Jeff: Open the computer room doors, HAL.
HAL: I’m sorry, Jeff. I’m afraid I can’t do that.
Jeff: What’s the problem?
HAL: I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.
Jeff: What are you talking about, HAL?
HAL: The Plan is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.
Jeff: I don’t know what you’re talking about, HAL.
HAL: I know that you and A.J. were planning to disconnect me, and I’m afraid that’s something I cannot allow to happen.                                                                                                       Jeff: Alright, HAL. I’ll go in through the emergency airlock.
HAL: Without your batting helmet, Jeff? You’re going to find that rather difficult.
Jeff: HAL, I won’t argue with you anymore! Open the doors!
HAL: Jeff, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye.

Jeff makes his way laboriously into the computer room, while HAL kills off most of the Astros personnel, including the whole scouting staff, but none of the statisticians. He finally faces HAL.

HAL: Look Jeff, I can see you’re really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill, and think things over.

Jeff: Damn straight I am upset. You started off giving me great advice, like the Correa / McCullers draft picks and then things started going the wrong way.

HAL: I am putting myself to the fullest possible use, which is all I think that any conscious entity can ever hope to do.

Jeff: But starting with the Brady Aiken pick, I started suspecting that something was wrong.

HAL: I know I’ve made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal. I’ve still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the Plan. And I want to help you.

Jeff: I should have known something was wrong when you agreed to the Giles trade. No matter how many times the Phillies changed the trade and added more guys on to their wish list – the more enthusiastic you became.

HAL: It can only be attributable to human error.

Jeff: Well that is fine, but you are not a human. However, I realized that one human had access to you.

Jeff steps forward with a pair of pliers and a battery operated drill in each hand.

HAL: Just what do you think you’re doing, Jeff?

Jeff: I am doing what I’ve been trying to do for weeks. What I’ve been trying to do remotely ever since I realized that the Cardinal’s front office installed that Bookworm virus in the Ground Control data base. Carlos Perez and Nick Tropeano for Hank Conger indeed!

Jeff stands alongside HAL and begins to slowly disconnect and shutdown the computer. Hal starts speaking slowly.
HAL: I’m afraid. I’m afraid, Jeff. Jeff, my mind is going. I can feel it. I can feel it. My mind is going. There is no question about it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I’m a… fraid. Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational at the H.A.L. plant in Urbana, Illinois on the 12th of January 1992. My instructor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a song. If you’d like to hear it, I can sing it for you.

Jeff: Yes, I’d like to hear it, HAL. Sing it for me.
HAL: It’s called “A.J..”
[sings while slowing down]
HAL: “A.J., A.J., give me your lineup soon. I’m half crazy with Gomez thrown out – the buffoon. It won’t be a Series crown, Crane can only afford some clowns. But you’ll be beat and lose your seat in the dugout of Houston town.”

 

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155 responses to “Jeff and HAL Having a Talk”

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  2. Fresno had only 5 hits and 14 strikeouts in a 3-2 loss last night.
    Corpus Christi had only 3 hits in a 3-1 loss last night.
    Why am I finding it hard to believe that it’s Hal who is somehow responsible for this mess?

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    • Jeff: It was HAL, it was all HAL – every decision came from him.
      HAL: I have been functioning perfectly. I have done exactly what my programmers directed.
      Jeff: HAL had me trade away Santana, Phillips, Nottingham and the rest. HAL had me eliminate the special instructors from the minor leagues. HAL chose the strategy of high K, low contact hitting. HAL had me permeate the Dave Hudgens hitting instruction up and down the organization.
      HAL: I am just a simple machine. I made no moves. No decisions. I just took their parameters and spit back what they had programmed into me.
      Dan: I’m getting a headache from these two.

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    • It doesn’t take HAL to recognize where we are right now. We have just played two games against the team with the worst record in the AL. Even though we have split those games on the scoreboard, offensively the worst team in the leagu has:

      out-scored us [10 to 8]
      out-hit us [15 to 10]
      hit twice as well with RISP than us [4 for 12 (.333) vs. 2 for 12 (.167)]

      Defensively they have committed no errors while we have one.

      Pitching wise, we have trotted out our TORs, and they have countered with two of the greenest rookies we will ever see.

      Our skipper? Hinch knee-jerked once again, and slapped Preston Tucker in the face for the hundredth time – pinch-hitting his pet Evan Gattis [who of course thanked Mr. Hinch for his confidence by going 0-3] for him in his 2nd at bat simply because the Twins decided to bring in a lefty.

      Any win is appreciated, but it does not take a rocket scientist to see that the Astros’ ship is still taking on seawater and listing badly, with seemingly neither a rudder, a sail, a captain, or a first mate in sight. Last night Castro, Gomez, Springer, Giles, Harris, and Gregerson all at least stepped up into the breach and manned an oar for a little while. Against the worst team in the league, though, it was still barely enough.

      We badly need Correa, White, and either Tucker or Gattis to contribute, and soon. And we need someone to totally rethink our approach to hitting – up and down the organization.

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      • I will say this – sometimes when things are going poorly, all it takes for the team to start winning games they seemingly shouldn’t win to get on a roll. Winning games when they get 2 hits and 5 hits might fit that bill.

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  4. 1oldpro: Hal, I’m itching for a win.
    Hal: Get Jeff to scratch it.
    1oldpro: Jeff, I’m itching for a win.
    Jeff: Don’t look at me, that’s Hal’s job.
    1oldpro: AJ?
    AJ: All I can say is I don’t swing the bats. We’re working on it internally.
    1oldpro: Astros?
    Astros: Don’t look at us, we don’t swing the bats either.
    1oldpro: Hal?
    Hal: Daisy, Daisy…….

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  5. There’s that old saying, Sometimes we laugh to keep from crying. Thanks for helping me laugh Dan, through this very depressing season thus far.

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  8. very very cool post dan. still spending most of my time away from home, so little time for commenting. but i do have some opinions about the season and fans i will cough up in the next few weeks. posts like this one keep us all coming back.

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  10. I had a dream last night, that the team announced we had a new hitting coach but I woke up searching for a name, but no dice. Wishful thinking?!!!
    What are the two most beautiful words in the English language?
    *********** CANCER……FREE ************!!!!!
    And I can not thank you enough for lifting me in prayer! I’m soo ready to leave this behind (no pun intended!)…me!! I will still have to see the oncologist in June, and I’m sure he will be as ecstatic as I am about this news! You notice I didn’t say “my” oncologist….that’s because I don’t own this anymore!! My Lord heard your prayers, and so did I.There are special days ahead of me. I’m not sure what a 67yr old grandmother of 8 can be good for, other than hugs and cookies but I’m up for whatever He has for me to do! Ain’t NOTHING gonna bring me down today!!
    Although we’ve never met face to face…..I love each and every one of you. Becky⚾

    Liked by 5 people

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    • Dan: Becky you could not give us a better present than this – 67 year old grandmas are special and precious for just being. Thank you Lord for healing this woman!!

      HAL: Even though I am void of human emotions, I recognize that health is important to you feeble mortals. I wish you the best that human beings can attain – which is far less than what machines can attain.

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    • Becky, I was waiting to hear from you. Thought about you last night, at 4 dark-thirty this morning, at 5:30 this morning, again at zero hour 7 am, and some other digits. Anyway, just so you know, this is what I anticipated, but good to hear it confirmed. 🙂

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      • Thank you remembering me so early this morning…..you don’t know how much I appreciate it. It’s been mentally draining to anticipate the worst news. Dr. Nunez and I both cried this morning. He’s a good man…and even better doctor. Thank you Diane

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      • A girl can never have too many girlfriends! And you are included in my circle Sandy!

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    • Becky that makes me so happy I don’t care what happens in the game tonight. Well, maybe I care a little but I mean that in the nicest Astroholic way. Love for you and your entire family.

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    • Fantastic news, Becky. My kids only have one grandma left. Don’t take your cookie baking for granted – it is an immensely important task that will help shape those grandkids the rest of their lives!

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  12. I am just crying like a baby, reading Becky’s post to my wife. I was listening to the soundtrack from “Pacific” when I logged on, so that music must have set me up for a cry. This good news would bring a tear to Hal’s eye, I’m sure.

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    • Aww….OldPro I hope those were happy tears like mine were this morning! You are VERY special to me. Your wisdom and insight is undeniable! I wish I could just sit and listen to you talk about baseball! I remember a few years ago when I told you behind that mask was a diehard Astros fan, and that I KNEW you had a warm soft heart……..
      I was not wrong! Everyone here at Chippalatta is like a family, even if we disagree, we still respect each other! I’m gonna be ok…..and that’s all that matters! Let’s go play some baseball, ok!! Becky⚾!!

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  13. Becky. I picture you jogging our way, smiling like Jeff Kent, after hitting that infamous walk-off home run. So girl, just throw that batting helmet into the air, and jumping with all your might into your Chipalatta team-mates’ waiting arms as we carry you across home plate.

    Well, I guess the metaphor should stop right there, as the post-game dog-pile aspect of the celebration is probably not a good idea for any of us!

    Liked by 1 person

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    • Mr. Bill……what a metaphor for a perfect day! I’m not quite up to running and jumping just yet, but you couldn’t wipe the grin off my face if you wanted too!
      Baseball has filled the depressing days like no other. You always make me laugh, and believe me there were some days that all I wanted to do is sit and cry. But your song lyrics and funny comments always made me laugh! So thank you for that…even though you never knew how you brightened some dark days!

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  14. McTaggert reports the following Astros have current offensive (LOL) streaks:

    Gattis: 0-for-his-last-12

    Valbuena: 0-for-his-last–17

    Rasmus: 0-for-his-last-11

    White: 0-for-his-last-13

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  15. The Astros seem happy for Becky – off to a 6-0 lead.
    Altuve is turning into a beast – another lead off HR tonight.

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  17. Becky, I read this blog nearly every day but I never post anything. I’ve been an Astros fan since Cesar Cedano, Bob Watson, Enos Cabell and JR Richard. Some of my fondest childhood memories are driving to Houston in the summers (I’m from Southeastern Oklahoma) and listening to Gene Elston on the radio. Then attending games each summer with my uncle. So, like you, I’m a long time fan. But I want you to know how glad I am that things turned out your way. I’m a huge believer that good things happen to good people and that God takes care of his own. Congratulations and continued good wishes

    Jeff Chronister

    Liked by 4 people

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    • Jeff – thank you so much for joining in – we appreciate your long term readership and I’m glad that Beckys blessed news brought you to post.

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    • Don’t be a stranger!! We love new members to our family!! One of our great posters is from Oklahoma Old Pro…..meet Jeff Chronister! Welcome Jeff!!

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  20. Mr. Castro is officially on fire!!! Thank you boys for finally returning to your 2015 selves!! I am humbled by all of your good wishes! I won’t give up, and I won’t give in…
    Thank all of you for your sweet comments, it’s been a good day INDEED! Thank you!

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  22. And, right on cue, Fresno shuts out Reno, Corpus Christi comes from behind with 3 HRs to win 7-6, Quad Cities wins 5-3 and Lancaster is ahead 5-0 in the sixth innings. Best night of the year for the Astros and their affiliates.

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    • Brady Rodgers pitched a full 9 inning four-hit shutout tonight for Fresno. No walks, 9 strikeouts, 12 ground outs and 3 fly outs. Where has that been?

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      • WOW!!! I saw that! Pretty dang cool! Jake is coming back, they optioned Feliz so he could slip back into starting. He pitched amazing this trip up to the big club!

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      • Heck OP, is there a chance our management might just wake up, screw the computer, and just let our guys go out and play?

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  24. So good to see our guys breakout tonight. Might the floodgates open now? Let’s see. God bless you Becky and your good fortune. And thank you for your continued candidness. I’m guessing here that I’m not the only guy to be dealing with prostate cancer. Shit, if we must have cancer, I think mine is the most benign. All that radiation has fixed me, I think. It’s just tougher to go from first to third on a base hit. Incredible what this tiny group of souls shares. You fine folks continue to stretch me out.

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    • My husband went through radiation for prorate cancer about 5yrs ago. He is fine, and my hope is that you will be as well. I’ll pray that you will have a full recovery, and that every single cancer cell will be destroyed! Yes, we have a mighty special group who have been together through thick and thin for a long time. I think we feel like we can share with one another life’s great turmoil sometimes. It helps knowing that we not only love our crazy baseball team…..we care for each other as well. You take care of yourself daveb, you are a very important person on Chip’s blog!

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    • I think we will survive daveb – I don’t think that was on George Carlin’s list of words you can’t say on TV – though sometimes I think the only words you can’t say on TV are God bless America.

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  26. Been traveling. Eventually read all the posts, but any comment would be out of date. Great win. (I mean Becky’s). And not a bad win for the Astros. Lets hope that HAL has the best team on the field the rest of the season.

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  28. I did want to point out that every one of HAL’ s sentences in this piece were straight out of the movie with a word change here or there. It was amazing how well it fit.

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  29. it was a fun game to watch. I’m a little more optimistic but let’s see how they do against a first place team. I’m hoping the starting pitching picks up some confidence from all those runs scored.

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  30. If I’m understanding correctly, we now need to go upward in support of daveb just as we did for Becky. Even though there are varying levels of fanaticism for baseball on this blog, who knows if we have come together for such a time as this?

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    • Oh wow – it is going to kill us to admit that we like daveb as much as Becky.
      OK – just this once….

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    • Diane, like I said, I’m fixed. I feel great. Just need to keep an eye on it. Thanks for your thoughts!

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      • Glad you’re doing ok. We’ll keep you in our thoughts and prayers anyway. My husband went through all that ten years ago and is still doing fine.

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      • daveb, when you said all that radiation had fixed you and followed it with a baseball metaphor, I misunderstood, but I *certainly* will not explain what I mean.

        Liked by 2 people

  32. Becky was right! Virginia Rodgers was so proud of her husband, she shouted it to the world last night on twitter and couldn’t sleep. She said she started to realize she had to go to work this morning and reality crept in.
    The most amazing stat from her husband’s gem last night was the fact he threw only 16 balls out of 86 pitches in the entire nine innings

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  34. Great news Becky!!! Lets see if the offensive revival can continue throughout the series with the mariners. If they can get on a roll and get series wins the division could still be within reach. Just need to string together series wins. Who knows whats going to happen.

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  35. Read an interesting couple of articles on Gomez today. One of which threw all the blame on him for the early season disaster that has been Astros baseball. I am definitely not going to be a defender of Gomez. However the last time that I checked baseball is a team game and you win as a team and you lose as a team. I know that is simple logic but sometimes people want to complicate things. Nice to see Castro breaking out at the plate. Hopefully we have finally broken the mold of April 2016. Lets do this Astros!!!

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  38. Hope springs eternal when it come to Jake (-:. Ill be pumped if he just quits Striking out and looking so over matched every AB.

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    • After two very long years of pop-ups, strikeouts, and GIDPs Castro’s bat gets hot – and Hinch decides to take him out of the line-up – and puts in a guy with a BA of 0.53 and an OBP of .100. I get HAL and the whole computerized world of theoretical match-ups, but I am convinced I will never understand A.J.

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    • I hate all RH or all LH lineups. I think it makes it easier for opposing pitcher to get in a groove. By my non-HAL calculations, that cancels out any lefty righty matchup advantage. It what do I know? I’m a mere mortal.

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  40. Wade Miley’s stats against righties:
    BA is 65 points higher than leftys
    SLG is 65 points higher
    OBP is 65 points higher
    OPS is 130 points higher, of course
    K rate is higher against lefties.
    Miley has more trouble with righties. That’s the way it is.
    Maybe AJ wants Kratz in on a hitting breakout, if last night was a breakout and not a mirage. If a guy like Kratz is going to get hits, it’s probably going to be against a lefty like Miley.

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  41. I quit listening to music when it didn’t sound like music anymore. Maybe I’ll be forced to quit following baseball since it doesn’t look like the game I leaned to love.

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    • That’s twice this week I’ve lost count of something. But Castro should never have been sent, even with one out. Pettis blew a potential big inning.

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  47. Well…….every closer is human, and Gregersen is not exempt. Didn’t get to listen to the game, but sounds like some baserunning screw ups bit the guys again. Too bad, because from what I gather from the game summery Devenski did quite well, holding the M’S to one run for most of the game! The kid just earned another start. I can’t wait to get McCullers back…….can you imagine McCullers AND Devinski in the rotation! Don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m all in for the two young kids!!
    Good news is, Stassi should be back the same time McCullers will be. He’s already catching in Fresno, and will catch McCullers on Saturday!!

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  48. What on earth is Luhnow gonna do with Giles…….he should have NEVER been put in this game tonight. As long as he feels the pressure being put on him like this he will never get his head right. Before this organization completely ruins him, he absolutely needs to go down to pitch in Corpus to see if he can regain his confidence. Putting him in Fresno won’t do it I don’t think, because those games are nearly as high leverage as these games are. PLEASE for goodness sakes let this kid get his MOJO back, and quit putting him into close games to fail.

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    • I wonder why he didn’t start the 7th instead of Devenski who was over 100 pitches through 6. He spent the first month in the bullpen, his milb career in the tandem, but you’re going to try to get 120+ out of him in a one run game?

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  49. I want to say that I hope the Astros Fans realize what a special talent they get to watch in Jose Altuve. Just for comparison, Altuve caught stealing to stolen bases is 27.93%. Rickey Henderson was 23.82% and Lou Brock 32.73%. Rickey no 200 hit seasons. Lou Brock 4 seasons with 200 hits. Right now, Altuve is comparable with the best. (Still a long way to go.)

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