Report: Dan P has news on escape from Astroholics rehab


Dan Peschong reports on an escape from the Astroholics rehab center.

• •• ••• •• •

A TV glows in the corner of a living room – 9  sets of eyes are gathered around it in silence.  There are loud noises and bright lights seeping in from outside and as the clock shows 10 PM – the channel is changed.

Two well dressed anchors are sitting behind the desk in front of an electronic banner proclaiming “Breaking News”.

“Good evening, I am Andy Cerota”

“And I am Rachel McNeil. Bill and Dominique are off tonight recovering from their latest plastic surgeries.”

“We have breaking news in Sugar Land on the rehab escapees named the Astroholics Nine. We go now to Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa for the latest.”

“Thanks, Andy. As you can see behind me the Sugar Land Police swat team has surrounded a home here in a quiet neighborhood in the First Colony area. They say that the nine escapees from the Bill Spiers Center for Astroholism and Related Conditions are holed up in a one story brick home at the end of this cul-de-sac.

We are currently waiting for a press conference from the chief of police. While we are waiting, here is a short interview taped earlier today with Dr. Jennifer Melfi, who runs the rehab center that the Astroholics 9 left in the dead of night 4 weeks ago.”

The scene switches to a well-dressed woman with glasses who is hurrying across a parking lot. 

“Dr. Melfi, what can you tell us about the nine escapees from your rehab center?”

“Well, obviously, due to client confidentiality I cannot disclose their names or even confirm their numbers. I will say this is very unusual, since all of the patients at our rehab center are there voluntarily. Any of them could have checked themselves out and walked out the front door at any time.”

“Dr. Melfi, is there any danger to the public from these escapees?”

“All I will say is that each of these people care deeply about a team that has been the worst team in baseball for the last 3 years, has changed leagues against their wishes and has gone out of their way to turn their back on the fans. To still care after all that sounds pretty unbalanced to me – how about you?”

The scene shifts to a podium with a microphone. A large man in uniform backed by about 20 others is standing there. A voice-over says, “And now to the press conference at Sugar Land police headquarters.”

“Chief – how did you locate the 9?”

“Well, it has been a well coordinated effort involving many government agencies. For instance through our connections with the NSA we were able to identify multiple electronic contacts from the Sugar Land area with a known Astroholic blog run out of Louisiana by fugitive Chip Bailey.  The big break came when the postal service delivered a package to this specific address containing highlight videos of the 2011 and 2012 Astro seasons. This was significant as they are the only order ever received for these DVDs.”

“Did the group plan to watch these videos to help fill their hours of confinement?”

“Well, each DVD is only 10 minutes long, but it does feature such stalwarts as Robinson Cancel, Joe Inglett and Lance Pendleton.

“What about the rumors that the group has taken hostages and handed over a list of demands.”

“I can confirm that the group is holding the starting lineup and rotation from the current Astros somewhere in this ranch style home.”

“Are the Astros willing to negotiate for the return of their team?”

“Jim Crane is unwilling to commit any money to get them back. Jeff Luhnow was wondering if the Astroholics had any young prospects they would trade in exchange. But a couple hours ago the group has passed along what I would call a rambling manifesto and a list of demands from each of their participants to obtain the release of the players.”

“Could you read the list of demands?”

“Sure….we are going to use their blog handles here:

Brian T demands that the 2005 World Series be re-played in full with the Astros allowed to close the roof.

Daveb demands that the 40 man roster rule be waived for the Astros and that they be able to bring up all eligible youngsters from the minors without Rule 5 implications (yes, even George Springer).

Becky demands that Jonathan Villar be replaced by anybody at shortstop – even Marwin Gonzalez.

Sandy requests that Bo Porter be fired as manager and replaced by Brad Ausmus or at the very least Sandy is given a Brad Ausmus bobblehead and a 10 minute Skype conversation with Brad.

Astro45 and Bopert Weaver demand that Jim Crane be tarred/ feathered / run out of town on a rail and forced to move the team to Scranton, Pennsylvania or Akron, Ohio and the St. Louis Cardinals to be transferred to Houston in their place.

Devin demands that Comcast Sports Net be piped into whatever correctional facility he is eventually sent to with his compadres.

Steven demands that mlb force the Cubs to send Jim Deshaies back to the Astros.

Dan P demands that the head of Bud Selig be brought to him on a stick or at the very least that he be placed in the stocks for a day outside Minute Maid Park without his toupee (at least he assumes it is a toupee – why would a guy worth $400 million pay for that bad of a haircut).

That is all I have at this time.”

“Is there any end in sight for this stand-off, chief?”

“Like the CSN broadcast stand-off…..no.”

The scene goes to black….

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51 comments on “Report: Dan P has news on escape from Astroholics rehab

  1. Jeez, I’m one of the last nine….maybe I should go into therapy. On a separate note, Villar is starting to grow on me a bit. Sure he does a lot of young things…even his steal of home was not well advised. But I think we can teach him how to throw. Maybe. Thing is, offensively, he’s making things happen. He’s thriving in the lead off role. Becky, unfortunately for you, short is his job to lose next season.

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    • Offensively he is getting on base at a decent rate /steals / scores runs/ gets in the pitcher and catchers heads.
      His fielding is sloppy- if they could get him to use that head….
      By the way there should have been others in the “house” like Billy C – just ran out of time and ideas.
      But yes – you would be one of the last.

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  2. Becky just found out Villar is a long lost step child she never thought she had, and for that she decided not to hurt him, HOWEVER……she told him to go play winter ball, or she would have to “hurt” him. Adam Everett has taken Villar under his wing to keep him from the wrath of “learn to throw to 1st. base without an error”…

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  3. Give it up to the Tri City- Valley Cats……winners of the New York-Penn league!!!
    Good show fellas, we hope to see you guys in an Astros uniform SOON!!

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  4. First and foremost, I think I understand “Artistic License” but really, DanP saying “Astro45 and Bopert Weaver demand that Jim Crane be tarred/ feathered / run out of town on a rail.” Where did you get idea that we wanted to stop there. “Hanged, drawn and quartered” or “Burned at the stake” – those come much closer to an accurate reference to what we would want to see happen. Once again, you go easy on Crane. (Sarcasm for those that are humor impaired)

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  5. I will not surrender until my Ausmus bobblehead is named manager of the 2014 Astros. I will not surrender, I will not surrender, I will not surrender.

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  6. Took my dog to the vet today and my veterinarian (formerly an Astrolic) was telling me about an article he read in this mornings paper. Apparently there was a picture of a lone woman at MMP in the midst of hundreds of empty and the caption read,” The one remaining Astros fan”. He was wondering if it was me.
    Just wondering how many more people think of me as a person in need of some serious help.

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  7. FYI, for anyone interested, Angels @ Astros is the MLB TV free game of the day on Sunday (9/15). If you’re in the blackout area you can watch the replay after it’s over…not sure if it’s immediately available or there is some time lapse.

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  8. I am serious. Saw some good news today. The Astros DID NOT CLAIM Jose De La Torre off waivers. Let’s hope this continues – in that mgmt. thinks we have better players than the cast offs from even contending teams.

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    • Ironically – we went to the ball game tonight – sat in the right field stands one row from where Wallace’s HR went out. So we spent the whole night staring at the word “Paredes” on the back of the home RF.
      It looked like a lineup made out by someone who does not want to lose the first pick. Crowe in the 3rd spot. Krause? Marwin? I’m forgetting someone. Not a good game.

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    • Yeah – but the error did not lead to any runs. The problem is they had a lineup where the last 3 guys had OPS under .600 and their leadoff hitter Villar, along with Wallace had the only OPS above .700.

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  9. And under the topic – “Jose Altuve Watch” – on August 16th, Jose walked twice against the Angels that game – the second time in the 7th inning of that game. Since that point – he has gone 120 plate appearances without a walk!!
    I’m not sure I even believe that stat – it is insane. He has been on a hot hitting streak since he was moved back to the 2nd spot in the lineup. But not on a hot walking streak.

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