Coach-speak translation: What Bo really meant

OK – truth be told, Bo Porter is the manager of the Astros, not a coach, but he definitely uses that not so foreign language called coach-speak. Luckily I am here to tell you what he really means…..

(Oh and in giving credit where credit is due – I picked the direct quotes out of Evan Drellich’s posts at chron.com – Sorry Chip).

Bo on Brett Wallace and JDM –   “I think you can look at Brett Wallace’s situation, J.D. Martinez’s situation and from a prospect standpoint, both of those guys have had success at the major league level. But it just goes to show how quick things can turn at the major league level. …. I believe both of those guys will have bounce-back years.”

  • What Bo really meant – “Saying these guys have had success at the major league level as players is like saying I have had success at the major league level as a manager. Yeah, they are ready for bounce-back years. They will be bouncing back to the minors anytime now.”

Bo on Chris Carter –  Carter “will spend quite a bit of time as a designated hitter”.

  • What Bo really meant – “Chris Carter is like the late Michael Jackson – he wears a glove on one hand for no definable reason.”

Bo on having a single closer vs. closer by committee –  “I think that’s ideal, when you have that guy that’s that ninth-inning guy, and, you know it’s a save situation and he’s going to get the ball every time.  Unfortunately, we’re not at that point as far as our team would go.  I’m comfortable with the guys that we have and figuring out the best way to use those guys, but I think this spring will go a long way and the early portion of the season will go a long way in determining exactly how they’re going to be used.”

  • What Bo meant – “With Jesse Crain still not healthy, Matt Albers never closing and Chad Qualls 4 years removed from being a closer…I’m not feeling it. I will probably do like I did last season and bounce from one bad decision to another in using the pen.”

Bo on returning to having names on the back of the uniforms – “We’re in a different place as an organization, these guys have earned the right to have their names on the jerseys.”

  • What Bo meant – “It was a stupid decision to remove it in the first place. I was trying to do some pseudo-psycho babble on their heads last year about earning it. I mean – who in their right mind would say these guys earned anything last year with that crap-dash performance. All I ended up doing was confusing myself, the fans and the broadcasters. When I couldn’t tell Brett Wallace from Jordan Lyles one day I knew I needed the names back on the jerseys .”

Bo on the players on the first day of Spring Training – “I love the way the just guys bounced around. These guys were excited to be out on the field, and it showed with their effort and the drill work. You even look at the test that the strength and conditioning staff sent them through at the end of the workout, you still had guys bouncing around.”

  • What Bo meant – “Wow did I just say all that? It sounds like I’m describing a convention of Tiggers bouncing off the walls drinving everyone crazy. Come on guys – somebody act like they’ve been here before. “

Bo on the player’s not showing proper respect to Roger Clemens –“Obviously, as an organization, we’re fortunate to have some people like Roger Clemens and Craig Biggio and different people that will come in throughout the course of the year and speak to our ball club.  Out of respect to your teammates, out of respect to the people that take time out of their day that come out here and try to do everything that they can to help this organization, it’s the right thing to do to make sure that you are dressed and ready and attentive when that person shows up.”

  • What Bo meant – “OK, I know that most of you really wanted Roger to tell you how he ‘roided without being caught and you wonder if you’ll mis-remember what he talked about, but folks he was a stud early and he showed he really knew how to pitch at 40+ when his fastball was at 93 instead of 99. Listen to the guy – he can teach you how to pitch with and without chemicals.”
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49 responses to “Coach-speak translation: What Bo really meant”

  1. Funny stuff … and so true. It’s like Porter goes and watches Bull Durham as a refresher course before spring training starts.

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  2. This is hilarious. Listening to Bo is like listening to the State of the Union Address, again and again, even though I am well aware of what the state of our union really is.

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    • Oldpro – that is a really funny analogy on your part.
      Bo could be a politician – probably would do better at that than managing.

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      • Even more than that, he strikes me as one of those late night infomercial guys who sounds really passionate about what he’s saying even though he knows he’s full of crap.

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      • I can see it Billy C, though in my mind I picture him as having a continuous loop of Denzel Wahington playing the coach in Remember the Titans running in his office as he practices being a fearless hard a@&.

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  3. I definitely think, you know, that Bo might not be thinking Qualls is the man for the closer’s job, even in April while Crain heals up. When I sort through the mumBo jumBo, I might definitely think that he will use a committee until Crain returns to full strength. Or at least that’s what I might maybe definitely think.

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    • Yes, Bo – I might definitely think that you may have somewhat covered all or some or none of the points that the other Bo was trying to say or not say in relation to having one closer or a committee or two guys or no closer or a blind draw each game for the closer’s role or non-role.
      LOL

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    • Closer by Committee is coach-speak for when you’re not willing to pay the right money to the guy who was your closer last year.

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      • That is one way to look at it, old pro – the other is that Veras had 5 career saves in a 7 year career coming into 2013 …. so it is not far-fetched to think that if Veras could do a decent job closing with little background, that between Crain, Qualls and whoever – a closer can be found.

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  4. In reality – I am not digging on Bo Porter more than any other coach or manager. I spent a bunch of years listening to Gary Kubiak press conferences where the answer to any question regarding problems from the previous game was, “That’s on me – I have to do a better job getting the team prepared for XXXX.” Well eventually they took him at his word and decided to get somebody else to prepare the team….

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    • This is amazing! Just this morning I was thinking about the holes the Texans had at RT and ILB and Special teams that they refused to fix and dared to wonder if Porter would end up getting canned because we refuse to sign a closer, get a 1B or commit to Springer.

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      • I (temporarily) have more compassion for Porter than Kubiak. I thought Koobs had more talent at his disposal even with some holes and I thought his loyalty to his special teams coach was unfounded. I also thought he had more influence on personnel decisions than Bo does. But Porter could be sunk if he does not show more this season.

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      • Dan, agree with you 100% on Kubiak as compared to Porter. The thing that was amazing to me was that I never compare the Texans to the Astros, but this morning I was doing that and then you mentioned the Texans, which almost never happens on this blog!

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      • Yeah – I used to guest blog on the Texans for chron.com – I love all sports but especially football and baseball.
        Hey who would have bet that the 2013 Texans would win a smaller % of games than the 2013 Astros heading into the season.

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  5. “George Springer is a special player”. Bo Porter really meant is “don’t get your hope up for Springer, until we are SURE he is under team control for the next 6yrs………because we’re going to do the same think to Mark Appel when it’s his turn to join the big club”.

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  8. I know this is way off topic, but does anyone have a handle on the TV deal? I just don’t understand why if you have a choice of getting 60-70-80% of what you want, you have rather have -0-. I don’t want to sound like my good friend, Bo Weaver, but to coin Ross Perot, there has to be a “Crazy Aunt in the Attic” on this one. What the Chron reported ??? was the Astros didn’t even get the money from the 40% who actually paid to see them last Summer.

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    • Astro 45 – I am just a simple (perhaps simple minded) engineer. Anything that requires accountants and lawyers to explain is beyond my ability to judge what facts are facts and what facts are lies. We know it comes down to money expectations, doesn’t everything….but I’ll let someone else take a shot at what is really happening and what is or is not reasonable.

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      • Dang, I just knew that Chip, or Dan, or Brian, or somebody had an answer. Perhaps, if Baseball could replace Selig with a Judge Kenesaw Mountain Landis clone – then he declare “for the benefit of baseball” and throw all those knuckleheads into a closet and tell them to settle it before they can come out.

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    • I do. But nobody wants to hear how the Astros are totally screwed.

      I’d like to contribute an article entitled “What’s the Worst Possible Outcome Regarding The Pending CSN Houston Deal?”. But, fair warning, that’s NOT palatable reading for most of y’all.

      I’d cite sources including the Chron’s Dave Barron, Houston Press’ John Royal, and others. I’d succinctly dole out what the skinny is, and opine what the likely outcome will be, both short and long term.

      Hint: the other day DanP chided that Crane isn’t going anywhere. And I think he’s probably right.

      But what’s REALLY the worst thing that could happen to the future of this franchise?

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  12. It is really a weird situation in that it sounds like Crane was aiming for the right way out with the mlb / long term other deal and got sunk by his supposed partner while he was trying to abandon that partner.
    Money – the root of all evil.

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  13. From my son Adam –
    Hey Dad,

    I really liked this one. Pretty funny stuff.

    Chris Carter will be taking his talents to a place where he can focus on offense and not worry about trivial things like defense. I figure if we can get him to swing the bat 2 or 3 more times per game this year than last year, we’re doing good.

    We determined that seeing player names might help fans, casual baseball watchers, opponents, announcers, and even teammates remember who is actually on this team.

    Our players are so green. They act like this is their first (and for many of them last) Spring Training.

    Our team is in a place where we don’t need a sure thing at the closer position. What we need is 3 or 4 guys that can pitch in the last inning. Frankly, we just just throw out the term closer. I mean, 60% of the time the starters and relievers have already closed the books on the game. We’ll call our closers “Garbage Inning Pitchers”.

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    • Actually he brings up a very valid point. Garbage inning pitchers are extremely valuable for a team like the Lastros who want to MAYBE win 70 games. Jerome Williams and Dallas Keuchel anyone? Which other BP guy will have the ability to pitch 2+ innings?

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    • This is what I see as the base for the 2014 bullpen….
      Qualls 2.61 ERA last season
      Albers 3.14 ERA
      Crain 0.74 ERA (but injured)
      Fields 4.97 ERA (but much better down the stretch)
      Chapman 1.77 ERA
      It will not be the best bullpen in the league, but it will be a better bullpen than last season. And yes, the rest of the team will not be contenders, but these are the first steps back. Then the young starters will lead the next wave along with Correa and others making their way up.

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  15. The Astros have the #1 minor league system in all of baseball with the #1 pick coming – don’t know why there should not be a little optimism.
    Adam is not Bo-ish pessimist – just a healthy cynic.

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    • Sure, a little optimism never hurts anybody until words like “…they’ll be competing for a division title by 2016…” starts being thrown around.

      The joy of rooting for upstart youngsters is all the remaining fans will get to enjoy, I’m afraid.

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